Steve Ball Diary
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Tuesday January 16
Wednesday January 17
Thursday January 18
Friday January 19
Saturday January 20
Sunday January 21
Read the archive
Tuesday January 23
Wednesday January 24
Thursday January 25
Friday January 26
Saturday January 27
Sunday January 28
Monday January 15
Back to work at Bootleg, even though it is MLK day. Refreshed after a
wonderful retreat this weekend. SGC rehearsal in the evening.
Confessed to blowing of many events during the weekend to take a much needed
personal retreat.
Very happy to have done so.
Great calisthenics, ear training, and group work this evening. Again, wish Jax could join us. Need more of this in my life.
* * *
A somewhat surreal evening post-rehearsal. Still reeling somewhat from this evening. Nothing worth mentioning in public, but many things going on which are changing my perspective. Upside down, downside up.
After an orienting weekend, this was a dis-orienting evening. Did not sleep well.
* * *
Tuesday January 16
A very strange day following a strange evening. But back on track.
Another new song born this evening from an inner poem that has been hovering
about. A day of reconnection.
* * *
Wednesday January 17
This day began with bad news delivered via cell phone during my drive into
work. Spent to majority of my energy today working to turn around the
repercussions of this bad news.
My job still requires the formidable skill of absorbing doubt and uncertainty. There is always a constant quantity of doubt and uncertainty. If we encounter too much, we become paralyzed. If there is too little, we fall asleep.
No danger of falling asleep today. Even though I've very sleepy.
* * *
Interviewed some good candidates today, telling the BN story twice in a row to two engaged, intelligent, experienced and interested visitors.
We do have a great story to tell, and we tell it well.
* * *
Good news: JohnL bailed early this afternoon to go pick up his wife Tina to take her to the hospital! The baby dropped, and is on its way now.
Congrats, John and Tina!
* * *
Evening: home listening to Nick Drake and Bjork while reflecting quietly on new perspectives and potential paths.
Strange: feeling lonely this evening.
I have not felt lonely for a long, long time (literally, years.) More dis-orientation? This is probably healthy, but certainly not 'comfortable.' As someone who put himself into uncomfortable situations for years as a matter of training, this dis-comfort I feel now, while familiar, does not seem to be as useful or bearable as previous discomforts.
What is this lonliness? I love to be alone. I thrive on it, in fact. My loneliness this evening is different. There is an absence.
Clarification: I feel 'un-whole' which is different than 'lonely.'
* * *
Another awareness this evening: really feeling the presence of my absence from the current AAD course and upcoming L1/L2 in Italy.
Wishing SteveE, StephenG, TravisM, GregS, and team well.
* * *
Thursday January 18
Home early.
SGC rehearsal later to revive my spirit.
Lord have mercy.
* * *
11:27pm -- just home from rehearsal. Music flowing this evening, care of Dean's new piece. It's going to be a winner. I feel spent. Could you tell?
Why can't I take my own advice, and go to bed? I need rest. Instead, I feel compelled to stay up and write. Not here.
PatriciaF called earlier this evening and left a cheery message from SF. Seems she will be on the road with CGT soon. Need to call her back tomorrow to cheer myself up and give her the latest news on Bootleg.
Also, my last weekend retreat seems to have thrown a kink into the some plans of others. Ug. Feeling down this evening. Apologies to all.
Could this be the bio-rhythm crash that never happened in December, finally kicking in to wreck my past six weeks of complete bliss?
* * *
Friday January 19
Excellent, overdue conversation with PatriciaF first thing on my way to work
this morning. Her cheerful outlook is contagious. Brought her up to speed
with all things Bootleg.
She will be doing merch for the upcoming CGT/Tony Levin/Pat Mastelotto shows in the SF area. Hope I can find a way to make it down for one of these. I have two potential trips to LA next week... via SF ?
Pauly - when are these shows...? I've been hungry for a GC group with drums for years (Electric Gauchos, eh?). Happy to see the CGT finally getting a rhythm section together. Not a bad section, at that.
* * *
Home early again this evening, somewhat disoriented, but happy to have some quiet time for reflection and rest. Going to hit the hot tub in the gym downstairs. May help me clear my mind.
* * *
Bleak diary entries tend to bring out a slew of emails from concerned friends.
* * *
Catching up on some unanswered mail from the past, say two years, or so... some highlights:
----- Original Message -----
From: LanceH
To: <sb>
Sent: Friday, January 19, 2001 10:50 AM
Subject: hi steve
good morning, steve, you may or may not remember who i am. we first met in a certain mr. garyg's room in forbes hall, i believe. you put on a tape of 'discipline', and proceeded to dance ecstatically around the room. tomh and his brother dan were both in attendance, as i recall. we then had a brief meeting in madison, wisconsin while you were performing with the league of crafty guitarists.
at any rate, i was reading mr. fripp's diary, and thought about you. courtesy of our friend google.com, i was able to find you on the web very quickly. now here we are. how are you? what have you been doing [i gathered that you've been musicing in all capacities as well as teaching/leading guitar craft courses]? how do you like seattle? anything amazing you want to share?
<snip> personal stuff </snip>
have a grand day, steve,
.L
Wow. I have not seen or heard from Lance since 1990 when we met post-show in the theatre (thought it was St. Paul? - or was it Madison?) where they record 'A Prairie Home Companion.' Great to hear from him. A strong connection/association from a past life at University of Illinois. Amazing how email can re-connect the past with the present. GaryG and TomH were also good friends back then; I've been in email correspondence with TomH a few times over the past couple of years.
TomH was a diver, always taking wild dives into uncharted territory.
Lance was there, in the room in early November of 1981 when I discovered 'discipline' or perhaps, when discipline discovered me.
* * *
A few other important emails in the box recently -- how to respond? I cannot remain silent forever... need some thought here.
* * *
11:23pm. Later: home concert for some friends who dropped in. Clearly, I need to write some 'happier' songs. Duh. If I wrote what I'd been feeling for the past 24ish hours, these would not qualify. But, if I would write right this minute, I would write the happiest song on the planet.
Mood schmood. Why the slavery to these swings? I thought I was beyond these emotional roller coasters? It's a sign. And the oldest problem on the planet.
* * *
Saturday January 20
Slept in this morning, missed sitting. Needed the rest, and no
regrets.
MOS project, meeting three this morning 11am-2pm. At one point, FrankS brought the group to its collective knees with a hilarious game. I miss this kind of intensive extensive work in the circle. Someday.
* * *
Post-MOS meeting, late Pho lunch with CurtG and BillR. Nice to catch up with these bad boys. Aside from the waitperson pouring Curt's hot coffee on my leg, it was a great meal.
* * *
Many communications and connections coming out of the woodwork recently. When it rains, it pours. Right now, I have an excellent umbrella.
* * *
From Janette Rosebrook's online diary:
I must see if SB can give some creative descriptors for RANDOM, ARBITRARY and FREE. I think I might be missing one? It seems like those terms - especially FREE - are used too easily to describe circulations that are in actuality are not FREE, but random. - Janette Rosebrook
Good clarification, Janette.
A 'Free Circulation' has no spoken instructions, predetermined form, key, structure, tempo, or expectations. 99% of the time, when someone calls for a "Free Circulation" what follows is not 'free.' It usually devolves into something that is random or arbitrary.
ran·dom (ran?d?m) adjective
1. Having no specific pattern, purpose, or objective: random movements; a random choice.
2. Statistics. Of or relating to the same or equal chances or probability of occurrence for each member of a group.
In a 'random'
circulation, none of the notes have any intentional relation to the other notes
being played. By extension, none of the members of the circle have any relation
to the other members of the circle in a 'random' circulation. This is
usually apparent to an audience who may be wondering what is going on.
ar·bi·trar·y (är?bi-trer´e) adjective
1. Determined by chance, whim, or impulse, and not by necessity, reason, or principle.
2. Based on or subject to individual judgment or preference: ex. The diet imposes overall calorie limits, but daily menus are arbitrary.Excerpted from The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition Copyright © 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
An 'arbitrary' circulation may have an imposed form, structure, applied or implied consistency, but it still has no purpose, necessity, function. or overall musicality. A bunch of notes strung together in the key of C might form an 'arbitrary' circulation.
What follows when someone calls for a "Free Circulation" may be random, arbitrary, or something else which cannot be accurately described or transmitted unless you experience it:
When this happens, something (someone?) 'plays' the group as if it were an instrument; the notes connect in melodies, and the circulation becomes more than the sum of the notes. The collection of individuals playing individual notes is transformed into one group playing music.
When this happens, lives change. The LCG circulation in Madison, Wisconsin in October 1989 changed my musical life; CurtG, PaulR, RalphG, HideyoM, HernanN, TobinB, JohnS, BettinaN, and EduardoG know what happened that night; for me, it was a direct experience that radically altered the way I think about music and where it comes from.
A wonderful day. Brunch with Curt followed by an evening with friends. Another busy week begins tomorrow. Completed writing a new song in the evening, working title 'J21.'
* * *
Monday January 22
SGC rehearsal this evening with a special guest.
Then, lost 'mastermind' twice. Also lost 'crazy 8's' twice. Lots happening in pairs today for some reason.
*
* *
Tuesday January 23
Flew to LA for three meetings today; one with 'Siskel and Ebert'; a humorous and
excellent dialog regarding the current and future state of music and
technology. Accommodations: Le Montrose hotel, my new fave
affordable LA hotel in the
evening.
A delightful phone call just before falling asleep. And a 5MB happy MP3 song delivered via my slow hotel connection.
Up too damn early for a flight to Las Vegas. Meeting at 10am, then some minor schmoozing at a convention, then flying home.
* * *
I received a wonderful gift today - a custom CD carrying music from Winter 2000. Each song on this CD delivers an emotional impact that is indescribable. A totally unexpected gift.
* * *
Greenthumb
I don't know how long you've been waiting
I can't see that far
Do you know how long you'll be staying
I don't care how long
Keep your hat and coat in my closet
They'll be safe in there
Take your hands from out of your pockets
There's work for you here
I'm out in the yard keeping my plants growing
Keep up on my guard, won't ever catch me slowing down
Here all of my tools, I'll show you what I can do
outside of this school
And if it gets hard, don't say I told you so
Hold onto your heart, become a greenthumb
Plants aren't very smart
Someone must help them to grow when it gets dark
Turn on your light and get started
Wishing those in Italy well from a distance.
11:27pm - Writing from Los Angeles again. Second time here this week. Flew in earlier this evening for VC meetings all day tomorrow.
Only real bummer today: missing SGC rehearsal this evening.
A wonderful day all around, although I felt sick as a dog in the mid-afternoon, and went home to recover before flying. Home tomorrow evening.
* * *
Final MOS circulation project this coming Saturday morning. Some mental preparation for this tonight.
Also, I received a message from Italy on my answering machine this afternoon. Looking forward to a second attempt to reach me.
11:22pm Back home this evening after another 24 hour whirlwind in LA. The extreme ups and downs of start-up life continue to amaze me.
A wonderful evening of Thai food and walking the dog with an ever so slight sadness: Tower Books on lower Queen Anne is going out of business. End of an era.
* * *
I seem to have passed my cold onto close neighbors. Happy to be home. Needing to rest and take care of business at home.
* * *
Final MOS circulation.
* * *
A relaxing afternoon of shopping then an early dinner with new friends. A day of many simple pleasures. A night of laughter, silliness, and fortune telling.
"Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such. " - H.M.
* * *
Sunday January 28
All the makings of a perfect Sunday...sleeping in, brunch & storytelling
with friends at Macrina Bakery. More shopping. But only window shopping today.
Fun nevertheless.
* * *
Gearing up for another busy week of travel. Back to NYC on Tuesday. However, if I was going to Vegas I'd bet it all on the ten of Clubs.
* * *